I am the biggest waster of energy. I spend way too much time anticipating events that I can't control. Once they happen, I deal with all the stuff just fine, but in the meantime I am exhausted with the anticipation.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
BIRTHDAYS - Two sets of twins.
I have new great grands. A nephew and niece--Grant Allan and Charlotte Belle. Such sweet bundles of love born on 4/23/09. And, today is the 60th birthday of my childhood friends Kathleen Sue and Kristine Lou. Kathy lives near Phoenix, but sadly Kristy died too soon in the late 1980s.
Kristy struggled as a bipolar-rapid cycler, but she was a beautiful, intelligent, and gifted young woman. Even with all the traumas and dramas of being manic depressive, her death was still a surprise. It was Memorial Day weekend and she was attending a picnic in the backyard of a friend, sitting at a picnic table, passing the tomatoes down the line. When out of the blue--literally--a small plane crashed into the backyard and Kristy died instantly. She left a young son and small daughter. She was grieved by her twin and an older sister, along with her elderly parents. She had worn everyone out over the years with her ongoing high-strung, attention-getting behaviors, yet she was a beloved daughter, sister, mom, and friend. We still miss Kristy and pray that she has found peace and rest with her Heavenly Father.
Kathy struggled for years after an early divorce. They just grew apart--each one disappointed with the person the other had become. They did not mourn the loss of the marriage, but it was harder for Kathy to move on, as it is most times with young women who move straight from parent's home to a husband's. And, DP was controlling. He so much wanted Kathy to be independent and intelligent and educated, yet he also was drawn to her beauty and dependence. She was smothering under his strong hand, and made several aborted attempts to return to school or work full-time. In time, she did some testing and found that she had been coping with learning disabilities her entire life--she wasn't dumb! She was just as intelligent as her twin or me; she had been frustrated with the limitations imposed by undiagnosed difficulties. What relief! What release!
Still, after the divorce she did not triumph. I prayed that she would have a good friend who would walk along with her and guide and encourage her. I lived so far away and the myriad of phone calls were not sufficient to under-gird and help her move ahead. God sent such a friend. And, here's where I got mad! Kathy had been abusing prescription drugs for years--running from doctor to doctor and getting whatever she could to suppress and subdue the panic and depression. Years of addiction, undisclosed to me as I suffered through endless and lengthy phone calls of distress and confusion. I had not guessed.
This new friend allowed Kathy to move in if she remained drug-free, and encouraged her to put her fastidious personality to work cleaning houses to make the money she needed to survive. Much of her divorce settlement and money left to her by a cousin was consumed first by breast reduction and then enlargement because they took out too much! She was broke, but clean after a short stint in rehab.
During this time she was introduced by her pastor to a very handsome, divorced Air Force pilot. An answer to yet another prayer--that she would find someone to take care of her, as life on her own would never meet the deep needs of her personality and learned behaviors. They married within a year and settled into a loving marriage that now approaches 25 years.
Happy Birthday, KS! May all your dreams come true. I love you, my lifelong friend.
Kristy struggled as a bipolar-rapid cycler, but she was a beautiful, intelligent, and gifted young woman. Even with all the traumas and dramas of being manic depressive, her death was still a surprise. It was Memorial Day weekend and she was attending a picnic in the backyard of a friend, sitting at a picnic table, passing the tomatoes down the line. When out of the blue--literally--a small plane crashed into the backyard and Kristy died instantly. She left a young son and small daughter. She was grieved by her twin and an older sister, along with her elderly parents. She had worn everyone out over the years with her ongoing high-strung, attention-getting behaviors, yet she was a beloved daughter, sister, mom, and friend. We still miss Kristy and pray that she has found peace and rest with her Heavenly Father.
Kathy struggled for years after an early divorce. They just grew apart--each one disappointed with the person the other had become. They did not mourn the loss of the marriage, but it was harder for Kathy to move on, as it is most times with young women who move straight from parent's home to a husband's. And, DP was controlling. He so much wanted Kathy to be independent and intelligent and educated, yet he also was drawn to her beauty and dependence. She was smothering under his strong hand, and made several aborted attempts to return to school or work full-time. In time, she did some testing and found that she had been coping with learning disabilities her entire life--she wasn't dumb! She was just as intelligent as her twin or me; she had been frustrated with the limitations imposed by undiagnosed difficulties. What relief! What release!
Still, after the divorce she did not triumph. I prayed that she would have a good friend who would walk along with her and guide and encourage her. I lived so far away and the myriad of phone calls were not sufficient to under-gird and help her move ahead. God sent such a friend. And, here's where I got mad! Kathy had been abusing prescription drugs for years--running from doctor to doctor and getting whatever she could to suppress and subdue the panic and depression. Years of addiction, undisclosed to me as I suffered through endless and lengthy phone calls of distress and confusion. I had not guessed.
This new friend allowed Kathy to move in if she remained drug-free, and encouraged her to put her fastidious personality to work cleaning houses to make the money she needed to survive. Much of her divorce settlement and money left to her by a cousin was consumed first by breast reduction and then enlargement because they took out too much! She was broke, but clean after a short stint in rehab.
During this time she was introduced by her pastor to a very handsome, divorced Air Force pilot. An answer to yet another prayer--that she would find someone to take care of her, as life on her own would never meet the deep needs of her personality and learned behaviors. They married within a year and settled into a loving marriage that now approaches 25 years.
Happy Birthday, KS! May all your dreams come true. I love you, my lifelong friend.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
WHEN YOU ASK FOR BREAD...
An entry from my journal November 7, 1994, a Monday...
A sad, difficult weekend... DM called very, very early Saturday A.M. His college girlfriend broke up with him within 24 hours of his arrival in France to visit her. He really seemed to be handling it well, but still he was very hurt, as we were for him. He was quite proactive... determined to make the trip and expense worthwhile. He had already had dinner with Frank--a French young man he met on the train from Avignon to Montpelier.
Talked with DM again this morning. JP doesn't want to proceed with the relationship because she doesn't feel he's the man God has for her long-term. Wants to remain friends. DM is cooperating--still hurt and rejected. Me, too!
I reassured him--he is the young man God created him to be--constantly evolving, but he can't change to suit JP or anyone. His heart is to please God. He's 22 years old and doing quite well--he's seeking and gaining godly maturity.
When he gets back to IL he'll have to refocus and re-establish his social life. The future is exciting.
I told him God might ask, "Can you continue to trust me now, even if I never tell you why?"And,
"When you ask for bread, will He give you stones instead?"
14 years later and so much is clear now. DM has continued to grow and to serve God in full-time ministry. He lives in Europe and has married a beautiful, intelligent, gifted, loving, sparkling young woman and has two gorgeous and vibrant little girls.
What a ride! If JP had hesitated to end the relationship, we might have all missed out on all the adventures that God has taken us on--so many trips to Europe. Experiencing and living in new cultures. The foods and markets and cities of Europe. The love and joy of doing family in two languages--finding ways to communicate without just words. We will just hang on and let God continue to take us over mountains and through valleys and across fields of sunshine and harvest. We will remember to thank Him when we are in the valley of the shadow of death and feeling there is no sunshine, only sorrow.
A sad, difficult weekend... DM called very, very early Saturday A.M. His college girlfriend broke up with him within 24 hours of his arrival in France to visit her. He really seemed to be handling it well, but still he was very hurt, as we were for him. He was quite proactive... determined to make the trip and expense worthwhile. He had already had dinner with Frank--a French young man he met on the train from Avignon to Montpelier.
Talked with DM again this morning. JP doesn't want to proceed with the relationship because she doesn't feel he's the man God has for her long-term. Wants to remain friends. DM is cooperating--still hurt and rejected. Me, too!
I reassured him--he is the young man God created him to be--constantly evolving, but he can't change to suit JP or anyone. His heart is to please God. He's 22 years old and doing quite well--he's seeking and gaining godly maturity.
When he gets back to IL he'll have to refocus and re-establish his social life. The future is exciting.
I told him God might ask, "Can you continue to trust me now, even if I never tell you why?"And,
"When you ask for bread, will He give you stones instead?"
14 years later and so much is clear now. DM has continued to grow and to serve God in full-time ministry. He lives in Europe and has married a beautiful, intelligent, gifted, loving, sparkling young woman and has two gorgeous and vibrant little girls.
What a ride! If JP had hesitated to end the relationship, we might have all missed out on all the adventures that God has taken us on--so many trips to Europe. Experiencing and living in new cultures. The foods and markets and cities of Europe. The love and joy of doing family in two languages--finding ways to communicate without just words. We will just hang on and let God continue to take us over mountains and through valleys and across fields of sunshine and harvest. We will remember to thank Him when we are in the valley of the shadow of death and feeling there is no sunshine, only sorrow.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
FORGIVENESS
God forgive me, it has taken me years to forgive my mother. Perhaps it took a couple bouts of situational depression and post-menopausal anxiety to lead me to forgiveness. I have forgiven her. I don't deny she could have done better. I don't agree with NC that she did the best she could. But, mental illness was such a conundrum in the 50s and 60s. Electro-shock treatment and talk therapy. It's such a blessing to live in this age of SSRIs and Ativan and stronger stuff I never want to know about.And, now we accept mental illness as an illness--treatable, and we seem to be able to give grace to those who suffer. Everyone in this culture is over-stimulated, over-worked, under-loved, under-appreciated. Medication helps, it doesn't cure.
"Why can't she forgive her? Maybe in part, she thinks, because her mother's way of getting old, this retreat into ... senility, is only the exaggeration of that earlier retreat into depression or despair or whatever it was that denied responsibility or the importance of her connection to Lottie and Cameron."
For Love
by Sue Miller
"Yes my childhood may have been somewhat bad, but my parents did the best they could..." (detachment)
Whitfield, again
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