Being Heard

Had my second cataract surgery very early this morning. Very happy to be on the far side of dealing with this "old folks" malady. A few more follow-up visits with the opthamologist and I can put this to rest.

But, the big news is that yesterday I finally had a chance to address my long list of annoying, painful, and/or vague symptoms that have been kicking around and accumulating for several years. Those symptoms that 2-1/2 weeks ago finally drove me to choose to pursue a gluten-free, limited dairy, limited legumes dietary revolution.

I felt so very encouraged as I left the Internist's office. I later sent this email to family and friends:

I have just not been well this summer. Certainly we had a lot of stress earlier which easily could have triggered the worst recurring symptoms of pain, insomnia, fatigue, etc. that I've had in the past couple of years (or ever).

Today, I am one happy camper. I don't know much more yet about what ails me, but there was blood work to (hopefully) eliminate Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'll have those results in a few days, and fully discuss with my doctor in two weeks.

He's also reviewing all the cardiac tests I had in February 2012 (before the Shingles rashes appeared to clarify what I was dealing with). My first medical attention that time was due to cramping pain in my chest. All those tests were good results, but he'll determine what if any should be repeated. I don't feel at all like my heart-health is impaired, but with some labored breathing and fatigue we have to check...

After that, if nothing shows up, we will proceed as if I have an Auto-Immune Disorder. Probably Fibromyalgia. He will change-out the Lexapro I've taken for a number of years (periodic anxiety and agitation (a bit of depression)) for Cymbalta, which is in the same drug family but has added properties that calm down nerve endings. I could take Lyrica for the same symptoms (took for nerve pain when I had Shingles), but he prefers to stay in the same drug family as Lexapro for now.

I worked late into last night (after we came home from Small Group) to organize my research and symptoms, and to consolidate into a few brief statements. I had documented my symptoms from mid-June to mid-August, and he had that list scanned into my medical records.

During the past months, he pretty much brushed off any attempt at conversation around my fatigue and pain. I was fairly certain I'd have to find a new doctor, but today he was kind, gracious, and consoling--what we've come to expect of him over the 35+ years he's been our Internist.

Interestingly, ten days ago his very youthful and fit 65-year-old wife's heart randomly went into Tachycardia, just like CA's. He was very vocal about understanding what CA and our family had just been through and wanted to make sure I told CA that they identified strongly with our experience. His wife's heart reset itself, thankfully, so she didn't require cardiac ablation. She's on blood thinners, etc. for the rest of her life or until she requires more attention. Being married to a doctor will facilitate monitoring her INR levels much more conveniently than CA experiences. Thankfully, CA should be off Coumadin mid-September.

Anyway... I'm hopeful that many health-risk channels will be eliminated and that treatment will be as easy as changing meds. Cymbalta won't cure me, but less nerve irritation should result in better sleep and general well-being.

Lexapro is the only Rx I take, so far! My blood pressure dances around borderline, then settles into normal range, and my cholesterol has always been mid to high normal.

Enough about me! Really. I'm doing all I can with nutrition, and plan to up the exercise quotient once I'm recovered from this second cataract procedure (tomorrow). I expect good results.

I know, TMI.

As responses and encouragement emails have come in, I am interested in a recurring theme. At least three female family members and friends remarked that it is so good "to be heard." Interesting.

I know our world is full of pop-psychology and self-help lingo, but these women are thoughtful, introspective women of faith and wisdom. They probably wouldn't voluntarily call themselves feminists, but they each recognize on a deep level that every woman deserves to be heard. And, I'm pretty we are all more self-aware and self-confident than our mothers ever knew to be.

 

 

How True!

 

http://www.juliasgreetings.blogspot.co.uk%2F&h=WAQFI3s70&s=1

 

Unglued: A Prayer

 

"God, I'm so tired of being hurt. I'm so tired of feeling distracted and discouraged by this(these) situation(s). Pour your lavish mercy on my heart and into this(these) hard relationship(s)... help me see how to separate myself graciously from this(these) constant source(s) of hurt in my life. It all feels impossisble...Reveal clearly how I can best honor You, even in this."

Lysa TerKeurst

Unglued

 

 

 

CATASTROPHE THEORY AND FAITH

Alone for awhile this morning, an email from my friend BB got me thinking and then writing about matters of faith and my spiritual journey. That led to the Menlo Park Presbyterian Church website, and a John Ortberg message on Forgiveness from his recent series, Who was This Guy?. I know that this is one subject I'll always need to pursue. Forgiveness is a grace I need to practice over and over again.

For a lot of the past few weeks I've been strung-out with fears, anxiety, and my default catastrofying. (Spellcheck doesn't like that word, but it's real. Very real. I've been there too many times. And, psychologists have written much on catastrophe theory as social response.) I know when I'm doing it, or at least eventually own it, but it's so real when I'm in the middle.

I'm over it now. My perspective is clearer; I just have to make sure I don't go too far in the other direction. For me, that would be grandiosity--such a feeling of well-being that all things are possible, and affordable, doable, and brilliant.

Anyway, my conversation with BB led me to some very favorite verses:

Jeremiah 29:11-13
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you Hope and a future.
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

THE GIFTS OF FRIENDSHIP

tvcrazy.net

blogs.indiewire.com

Today I heard myself describe my relationship with a friend of 35+ years, "With BR, I don't have to tell the stories, I just have to give the updates."

So, so true. Lifetime and/or long-time friends are a true treasure. Whether you're together on a regular basis, or sporadically, when you do meet you start up again just where you left off. She knows your history, your family dynamics, your successes, your failures, your fears, your joys, your weaknesses and your strengths. Tah-dah! She really knows you and has weathered all the years and changes steadfastly committed to you as a friend.

I remember in my younger years feeling that I needed the perfect friend. Knowing full-well that I am imperfect, I still felt there would be the perfect soulmate. Yeah, yeah... Some think that you can find that with a spouse, but girls need girlfriends.

Somewhere early on, I heard-read that we can't expect perfection in other people, instead we should enjoy the parts of each relationship that work well. We can have many friends with different strengths and weaknesses, interests and opinions. What each of us needs is a mosaic of friends. A mis-matched, cobbled together group of friends that in-the-whole form a thing of beauty. A treasure. Fine art.

So, some of my friends share my faith; some know my extended family. Some friends love to cook-read-travel or talk. Some I get together with weekly or monthly. Some I seldom see or hear from. Yet together, this group of old friends enrich and inform my life.

I know just which friend to call when I need to complain or vent. I know which ones love to celebrate. Various friends can empathize with my joys or my frustrations. I can dial-up just the right friend for just the right conversation. Some friends like to do, some like to talk. Some understand my need for aloneness and some require a constant party.

I love them all. I can take each in small or large doses. But, when the chips are down for one of us, the other is confident that the friend is close by and trustworthy; available and competent to say just the right word, to do just the right deed, or to extend a hand, arm, or shoulder at just the right moment.

That being said, I think I'm open to new friends. Not all positions are filled. If life is about growing and changing (and it certainly is!), then I can see that I am in the need of more friends for this continuing journey.

PERSON OF INFLUENCE

a "L" family pet

When our Small Group got to question #4 Sunday night, I surprised myself with my answer.

It's LL. We worked together for 13 years, starting when I was about 34 and my children were 4 and 11 years. She'd been married a bit longer than I (though was just as young when she married) and her daughters were just a bit older. She'd traversed quite a bit more life than I and she helped provide road maps for some of my journey.

I remember so may stories--good ones... when LL dealt with her junior high daughter's slamming her bedroom door by taking it off the hinges. When she'd threaten her highly-accomplished husband with a short trip to the nursing home. When she'd state that in the next life she wanted to come back as a L family dog. When she'd tell brutal truths about political figures she'd known; when she'd talk back to her staid boss, setting him straight and establishing her boundaries. LL recounting that on the way to her parent's house they'd always stop at the corner gas station to use the bathroom. (Rhetorical, not true--I think. My own mom's house cleaning was less than pristine, so I could identify.)

We share a love of good food and cooking.  We shared recipes and when entertaining we'd lend cooking and serving utensils. We took cooking classes together and had many adventures in Chicago. One time we flew to Albuquerque to visit a mutual friend and visited Santa Fe for a cooking class.

She taught me fashion and exposed me to the Apparel Center in Chicago for opportunities to buy at-cost, and in the process introduced me to her spectacular friends the JZ's. The female JZ is bawdy and blunt, with a keen eye for style. The male JZ is dapper and dauntless, and handles his female counterpart with equanimity. They live a lifestyle by the lake that is both modest and enviable. A visit to their home is a favored treat.

We've shared weddings, funerals, celebrations, fears, failures, and lots of life.

During our small group evening, CA injected, "Have you told that person how significant they are to your life?" A great question. I hadn't, but did on Tuesday when we met for our twice-weekly speed walk at HB. LL was stunned, then pleased, then normal. We moved on with our fast-paced conversation and advice-giving. The 50 minutes flies by, as always.

BIRTHDAYS - Two sets of twins.

I have new great grands. A nephew and niece--Grant Allan and Charlotte Belle. Such sweet bundles of love born on 4/23/09. And, today is the 60th birthday of my childhood friends Kathleen Sue and Kristine Lou. Kathy lives near Phoenix, but sadly Kristy died too soon in the late 1980s.

Kristy struggled as a bipolar-rapid cycler, but she was a beautiful, intelligent, and gifted young woman. Even with all the traumas and dramas of being manic depressive, her death was still a surprise. It was Memorial Day weekend and she was attending a picnic in the backyard of a friend, sitting at a picnic table, passing the tomatoes down the line. When out of the blue--literally--a small plane crashed into the backyard and Kristy died instantly. She left a young son and small daughter. She was grieved by her twin and an older sister, along with her elderly parents. She had worn everyone out over the years with her ongoing high-strung, attention-getting behaviors, yet she was a beloved daughter, sister, mom, and friend. We still miss Kristy and pray that she has found peace and rest with her Heavenly Father.

Kathy struggled for years after an early divorce. They just grew apart--each one disappointed with the person the other had become. They did not mourn the loss of the marriage, but it was harder for Kathy to move on, as it is most times with young women who move straight from parent's home to a husband's. And, DP was controlling. He so much wanted Kathy to be independent and intelligent and educated, yet he also was drawn to her beauty and dependence. She was smothering under his strong hand, and made several aborted attempts to return to school or work full-time. In time, she did some testing and found that she had been coping with learning disabilities her entire life--she wasn't dumb! She was just as intelligent as her twin or me; she had been frustrated with the limitations imposed by undiagnosed difficulties. What relief! What release!

Still, after the divorce she did not triumph. I prayed that she would have a good friend who would walk along with her and guide and encourage her. I lived so far away and the myriad of phone calls were not sufficient to under-gird and help her move ahead. God sent such a friend. And, here's where I got mad! Kathy had been abusing prescription drugs for years--running from doctor to doctor and getting whatever she could to suppress and subdue the panic and depression. Years of addiction, undisclosed to me as I suffered through endless and lengthy phone calls of distress and confusion. I had not guessed.

This new friend allowed Kathy to move in if she remained drug-free, and encouraged her to put her fastidious personality to work cleaning houses to make the money she needed to survive. Much of her divorce settlement and money left to her by a cousin was consumed first by breast reduction and then enlargement because they took out too much! She was broke, but clean after a short stint in rehab.

During this time she was introduced by her pastor to a very handsome, divorced Air Force pilot. An answer to yet another prayer--that she would find someone to take care of her, as life on her own would never meet the deep needs of her personality and learned behaviors. They married within a year and settled into a loving marriage that now approaches 25 years.

Happy Birthday, KS! May all your dreams come true. I love you, my lifelong friend.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE BEAN

We now see through a glass darkly, but then face to face...

A day to mourn and a day to reflect. A good friend's mother died rather suddenly. They have no faith and neither did she, so what to do? A very classy solution. They had a luncheon to celebrate her life. There were two short eulogies and lots of laughter and friendship.

From the luncheon we drove into Chicago so that I could take the South Shore to Michigan City, IN to meet JA and drive to her home for a few days. I was early for my train, so I sat in the sunshine in Millenium Park, read last Sunday's paper :) and people-watched. World-class people watching.

Death without hope of eternity is a very hollow experience. My friend is mourning without hope. She is mad at her mother for poor health choices... There are many unresolved family issues--nothing earth-shattering. There was always a vying for position and although the oldest, she generally lost. She doesn't lose well. She is an extremely beautiful and gifted woman who always has an opinion--took me years to realize she was right less than 50% of the time. She is a doer, a mover, a shaker, a fixer. She knows a bit or a lot about a lot. She is a good friend and resource. Her mother was much the same, thus their natural disaffinity...

When my mom died it was a death that I had mourned for much of my life. It was the final act of dying that ended the pain for her and for me... God graciously took her. She didn't suffer then, although her mental illness was a life-time of suffering. I needed mothering that I would not ever get.

Now, I have a very dear friend and we mother each other. It is a joy to be her friend. She is wise and truthful, creative and giving. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Never stop looking for what you need. Do not give up. Needs are many times filled in unexpected ways. We have both lost our mothers and we both never felt mothered. We are mothers and we know what we missed. We have each other.

WHAT I DO DIFFERENTLY NOW

In January 1995 I reflected on what changes I had made from 1994 and prior, I would never have remember all this if Í hadn't been blogging and looking through my recovery journal.

• 10:00 - 10:30pm bedtime
• walk AM and PM; 4 miles/day
• cleaned up relationships
• healthy prioritizing; knowing what's "deeply important
• less hurried
• back in college
• keen awareness of personal goals
• no longer shopping for entertainment
• no more excessive sleeping
• no dieting--awareness of healthy eating habits and exercise
• realize the importance of "beauty & solitude" in my daily life
• prioritizing times for personal grown--study and reading
• managing family finances--trust myself with all the money because shopping is no longer entertainment, i.e. escape
• keen awareness of important relationships to my life--the need for valuing and nurturing
• long-term financial management goals set in place, with short-term disciplines
• I don't give pieces of myself away indiscriminately
• I no longer need to please everyone
• realization that my job is not hard, but is worthy and fits my life right now
• content with current house until college costs and empty nest motivate the change--and the choice will be a factor of the current finances and needs of that time
• stepped-up savings and debt reduction to afford JE's college and also prepare for the next stage of our married life
• not seeking to fill the empty places in my life with activity, travel, people, noise
• awareness of separateness from parents lives and dysfunction
• no longer feel the need to "fix" everything, i.e. control