The Beatings Never Really Stop

 

Not my story, thank God, but one worthy of documentation and remembrance.

Dating the woman who would become my wife I asked in the course of casual conversation about growing up, “…and remember when you would walk in the door and your dad would knock you to the floor, kicking and hitting and yelling?” She stared at me in stunned silence. There is no normal. The rational has been torn away from your ability to grasp it.

 

A Birthday Letter to My Brother

I was surprised at how much you hate this photo. I find it winsome and touching.

You were a little boy. A much longed-for and loved little boy. Unfortunately mom was not up to taking care of you; keeping track of all the things mommies do for their little boys. That doesn't lessen her love of you, nor does it excuse their lack of attention to your needs.

You were raised by wolves, yet you've managed to become a worthwhile, charming, intelligent, loving man. Good for you. Bad on them.

I think when you see this photo you don't want to feel that pain, suffer those memories again. I do not enjoy strolls down memory lane re: my growing up years, either. When I see this photo, It reminds me of your sweetness and the fun we had with you. I love your innocence, and a couple of my grandkids look a bit like this photo of you.

Everyone has a story. It's what you do after that counts. (Sue Miller's For Love.)

We write our own stories. (Don Miller, et al.)

Sometimes you need to let go of your old stories to make room for the new ones God is writing with you.

 

We mostly weren't beaten or ever locked up, so its hard to allow ourselves to acknowledge there was emotional abuse and certainly neglect. Yelling, empty threats, shaming, rage, embarrassment, disappointment--plenty. Yet, we had grandparents and aunts who loved and trained us, and they along with mom covered us in prayer. God is faithful.

I think having been a part of the first 5 kids--your sisters shared and reinforced the good memories. Some of us pretend they were all good. You were just too young while your sisters were at home to remember all the love we showered on you. And, our grandparents were older and less active by the time you could have most benefited; although I know you treasure your memories of both sets.

So, I'm loving this reminder of my baby brother. You've always had to make it up as you go along. Guess what, so did your sisters.

Now write a great story with the next chapters of your life.

 

 

PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS

Most girls growing up in the 50s and 60s learned early to stuff their feelings, hurts, bruises, individuality, curiosity, independence, and energies. Boys were expected to declaim their needs and opinions. They were encouraged to speak and to act freely. After all, "Boys will be boys." Girls were to be quiet, submissive, and to sit with knees together and hands folded in their laps while boys could run wild and free.

Stand tall, throw your arms out wide, and take a flying leap. Those days are over. We've come a long way, baby!

It's okay to be a late bloomer, just bloom! Break out of that pod that's constraining you. BREATHE! Wake up! Smile; giggle; laugh out loud! Who cares who hears? Live your life. You only get one.

Dare to say what you want or need. Venture out of your normal sphere. Visit a strange city all by yourself. Fly to a foreign country and just listen, just listen and closely observe. Do not speak except to say Pardon with a smile. Maybe just learn two phrases, Please and Thank you. If you are very good with language, learn Good day; Good evening; Thank you very much.

Oh, you should also learn that Toilet is not a crude word. It is simply a word that says clearly where you want to go and what you need.

Think about that... How freeing it will be to go somewhere and to confidently, even stridently, exclaim, Toilet! For once in your life you can ask for what you need without subordinating your needs and wants to anyone or anything.

TOILET.

Trust me, there's no place in the world except the USA where anyone thinks that's a crude expression.

When you get what you need, stop and take note... I asked; I received. I got what I needed. Now try it again.

Cafe, Chai! With creme!

Hotel! Penzion!

You're bi-lingual; tri-lingual. You have skills that navigate the world. Bloom freely. Bodaciously!

Then, after you have practiced saying what you want and need, go home. Stand tall; say what you need and want--all the time. Yes, all the time. People who know what they want and need are admired. Remember all those little boys being little boys? No one told them they weren't important; that their needs and wants were not valid or necessary.

Ask and you shall receive. Say what you mean and ask for what you need/want.

Now, that's a big girl.

RETELLING DYSFUNCTION...

Again, as Jami Attenberg mentions in her novel The Kept Man, artists have to pretend that their parents are dead...

When I am with my sister JL we tend to ruminate over the past dysfunctions of our family--not in anger or accusation, but in order to understand and process. It turns out that there are stories we both don't remember, or didn't know to begin with. Some I think I should skip until after my dad passes away. I have forgiven him much and do not mean to harm him now.

There is the story of the affair... JL did not know this and was shocked all these years later with the details. I will leave those for later.

JL recounts a story of grandpa K cautioning her about marital choices when she was dating the dreaded Perry...

When BZ visits us on Friday at Indian Lake, we reach further into the family vault and go down many branches and share and remind each other of stories we don't remember. BZ is 10 years younger than me and almost 15 years younger than JL. She doesn't know even a fraction of our family stories, but we shared grandparents and there is a wealth of stories from that connection.

Uncle Gerald the pedophile--we believe sincerely that he abused each of his children and certainly some of his nephews and nieces. Grandpa protected his own, and none of his three girls ever showed signs of abuse. Gerald's children all struggled with the entire array of possible outcomes from abuse. Our dear, dear cousins--children of his youngest brother--probably were repeatedly abused. Yet, until the most recent years since Gerald's death, my dad would find it necessary to give each of us the current Gerald update...

WHAT! Doesn't dad have a memory. What is he thinking? Why would any one of my siblings want to hear one word about him? We avoided abuse, but Gerald certainly tried. This is a very distinct evidence of God's protection and sufficiency.

COMING TOGETHER

About 1960. From left: GJ, PM, Mom, NC, JL, PL, me, Dad

In a few weeks my family will reunite for a celebration. My next oldest sister, by just 13 months, is coming to visit from Seattle. We haven't seen her for more than 1-1/2 years, although we talk almost weekly.

There are 6 siblings--5 older sisters and a brother. My mother died over 10 years ago, but dad is stoically 87 years old and counting... His hearing has declined, but his health is good.

Anyway, families are by nature dysfunctional and ours toed that line! I carry and have shed lots of baggage from those growing-up years, but being a part of a large family is a huge part of the tapestry of who I am. God made me and guides my life, so this is what he dealt me. By almost any measure, it hasn't been a bad deal. Scars? Yes! Baggage? Lighter each year! But, the overwhelming definition I attribute to my growing up years is: sufficiency. God is sufficient, and has filled the bags of my life full to overflowing with blessings.

And, as Sue Miller so very eloquently puts it in her novel For Love: Everyone has a story. It's what you do after that counts.

TRAVELING LIGHTER

Airline baggage restrictions have governed much of what we have packed, purchased, and carted about during this extended trip. Chicago to Vienna we were each allowed 2 bags/50 lbs per. One suitcase was dedicated to the gifts, clothing, and food items that we had been requested to bring or chose to bring to children and grandchildren. And, one of our 4 bags was the transport of KF's new stroller with all-terrain wheels--a fantastic eBay bargain.

The regional airlines--SkyEurope, Nikki, Ryan Air--each have their own baggage rules, usually restricting a passenger to one check-in bag and one carry-on. The weight limits varied from 15k to 23k--Nikki also weighed our carry-ons, limiting them to 12k. To put that in recognizable terms you take the kilogram weight times .6, i.e. not much leeway for acquiring any goodies.

We are learning to pack lighter--using our luggage space for U.S. purchases of clothes and housewares for our son's family. U.S. selection and prices can't be beat. Thank you Target, Kohl's, Home Goods, T.J. Maxx, Marshalls, and Carson, Pirie & Scott.

Just try shopping for a family or outfitting a house in central Europe. Everything you need is here, but when you are accustomed to U.S.-defined needs you are always left feeling that there just isn't enough. Much is very over-priced, and acquiring what you need is far less convenient--you have to make multiple outings to multiple stores and then there is always that thing you forgot or never found... Part of adjusting to this new culture requires that you leave your acquisitiveness stateside. Shopping here is not recreation, it is a work-out.

At this stage of life I am totally signed on to less is more and am determined to learn to need less and less. Our house has been sorted through and streamlined several times in the 7 years we have lived there, and when I get home I intend to get rid of some more.

Not having a lot growing up influenced my shopping habits over the years. Making sure my family had the right clothing, shoes, and accessories was always important. And, we have always appreciated good food in our home--being willing to spend a bit more for quality and variety, but also learning where we could get the best for less. I still appreciate a good deal, but shop sporadically--not always in the mood. When I am in the mood, I have learned to stock up--gathering Christmas and birthday gifts throughout the year when I find just the right thing for just the right person.

As I consider baggage and all the planning it has consumed on this trip, my mind wanders to the emotional baggage that we accumulate and carry throughout our lives. It has taken me over 40 years to leave my childhood baggage behind. And, each year I seem to carry less and less of that baggage. Wish I'd known how to get rid of it sooner--recognizing it, naming it, and talking or writing about it appropriately provides release. My young adult and middle years were full of love and delight in the family we created, but my days would have been so much more enjoyable if I had a lighter spirit. Having been raised in chaos I learned to be over-responsible and hyper-vigilant to my environment--always taking in stimuli and processing and reprocessing while organizing and planning ahead for eventualities.

It will be interesting to learn what baggage our children feel they carry from childhood. We ask them occasionally and so far neither admits to too much scarring. We very intentionally parented our kids--unconditional love was the goal, underscored with accountability and consequences. Both DM and JE are good with money--never spending what they do not have. They have both chosen wonderful spouses and are themselves wonderful spouses. They love and discipline their little ones and are respectful of us and their grandparents. We certainly did not get everything right, but all those prayers asking for guidance and wisdom, patience and understanding were definitely heard and answered. God takes even our shortcomings and makes them work for his own good.

WHAT I DO DIFFERENTLY NOW

In January 1995 I reflected on what changes I had made from 1994 and prior, I would never have remember all this if Í hadn't been blogging and looking through my recovery journal.

• 10:00 - 10:30pm bedtime
• walk AM and PM; 4 miles/day
• cleaned up relationships
• healthy prioritizing; knowing what's "deeply important
• less hurried
• back in college
• keen awareness of personal goals
• no longer shopping for entertainment
• no more excessive sleeping
• no dieting--awareness of healthy eating habits and exercise
• realize the importance of "beauty & solitude" in my daily life
• prioritizing times for personal grown--study and reading
• managing family finances--trust myself with all the money because shopping is no longer entertainment, i.e. escape
• keen awareness of important relationships to my life--the need for valuing and nurturing
• long-term financial management goals set in place, with short-term disciplines
• I don't give pieces of myself away indiscriminately
• I no longer need to please everyone
• realization that my job is not hard, but is worthy and fits my life right now
• content with current house until college costs and empty nest motivate the change--and the choice will be a factor of the current finances and needs of that time
• stepped-up savings and debt reduction to afford JE's college and also prepare for the next stage of our married life
• not seeking to fill the empty places in my life with activity, travel, people, noise
• awareness of separateness from parents lives and dysfunction
• no longer feel the need to "fix" everything, i.e. control

WHAT CHANGES DO I NEED TO MAKE IMMEDIATELY

And, from mid-November 1994.

• find time to focus / center
• don't do multiple things at once--just because I can doesn't mean I have to
• stay out of wasteful, unproductive conversations
• limit exposure to excessive negativity
• don't spread petty frustrations
• insist on exercise
• prioritize personal devotional / growth
• realistically evaluate home responsibilities--redistribute or revise
• keep a tight hold on social commitments, excursions, even conversations that distract, confuse, and frustrate
• pursue healthy, nurturing connections and relationships

"He is able more than able to accomplish what concerns me today...

If I could look through your eyes, I would see that I'm worthy...

I'm learnin' how to lean and depend on Jesus. He's my friend and He's my guide...

Little by little I've been learning to depend upon the Savior. I know He's gonna provide for my every need."

Willow Creek Community Church Ever Devoted CD (c) 1994, Rory Noland & Greg Ferguson

WOW! Such wisdom then and just as applicable now. A great reminder

WHEN YOU ASK FOR BREAD...

An entry from my journal November 7, 1994, a Monday...

A sad, difficult weekend... DM called very, very early Saturday A.M. His college girlfriend broke up with him within 24 hours of his arrival in France to visit her. He really seemed to be handling it well, but still he was very hurt, as we were for him. He was quite proactive... determined to make the trip and expense worthwhile. He had already had dinner with Frank--a French young man he met on the train from Avignon to Montpelier.

Talked with DM again this morning. JP doesn't want to proceed with the relationship because she doesn't feel he's the man God has for her long-term. Wants to remain friends. DM is cooperating--still hurt and rejected. Me, too!

I reassured him--he is the young man God created him to be--constantly evolving, but he can't change to suit JP or anyone. His heart is to please God. He's 22 years old and doing quite well--he's seeking and gaining godly maturity.

When he gets back to IL he'll have to refocus and re-establish his social life. The future is exciting.

I told him God might ask, "Can you continue to trust me now, even if I never tell you why?"And,
"When you ask for bread, will He give you stones instead?"

14 years later and so much is clear now. DM has continued to grow and to serve God in full-time ministry. He lives in Europe and has married a beautiful, intelligent, gifted, loving, sparkling young woman and has two gorgeous and vibrant little girls.

What a ride! If JP had hesitated to end the relationship, we might have all missed out on all the adventures that God has taken us on--so many trips to Europe. Experiencing and living in new cultures. The foods and markets and cities of Europe. The love and joy of doing family in two languages--finding ways to communicate without just words. We will just hang on and let God continue to take us over mountains and through valleys and across fields of sunshine and harvest. We will remember to thank Him when we are in the valley of the shadow of death and feeling there is no sunshine, only sorrow.

PRINCIPLE-CENTERED LIVING

The personal power that comes from principle-centered living is the power of a self-aware, knowledgeable, proactive individual, unrestricted by the attitudes, behaviors, and actions of others or by many of the circumstances and environmental influences that limit other people.
7 Habits by Stephen Covey

I quoted that excerpt in my healing journal on August 9, 1994. That was the summer I began to see things as they ARE instead of what I was told they should BE.

By centering our lives on timeless, unchanging principles, we create a fundamental paradigm of effective living. It is the center that puts all other centers in perspective.

The reason 7 Habits resonated so, so deeply with me is that I got it! My center was my salvation and relationship with Jesus Christ. I have known since I was small that He is my center. Talk about timeless, unchanging...

Correct principles function with exactness, consistency, beauty, and strength.

HAPPINESS: The fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.

HABIT: The intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire.

STORIES I DON'T REMEMBER

Colby College

Home on this earth is being all levels of our awareness or consciousness in our own unique fashion.

We have a choice.

We can remove the blocks (blinders) to realizing our Higher Power by:

• experiencing (living in the NOW)
• remembering
• forgiving
• surrendering
  Whitfield, pg. 137

Writing this blog has opened up my mind and hopefully my heart to what came before. The writing classes I took 1994 - 1998 cracked the vault a bit, but there is still much hidden and not remembered. The key word is "choice." I have choices. I am not a victim, I choose my reality. I write my own story; create my own reality. Living in the now is a very beautiful thing. I thought it would be too scary, but it is energizing and freeing.

I will tell a story that I don't like to think about, because it is laced with fleeing and quitting. I was a good student in high school and would have been a better student had I not worked at night instead of studying. I did study, but usually the minimum. I was tired. I still made the honor roll and got A's and B's. I could have been a high honor roll student. No one noticed or encouraged. Although, it would have been unacceptable to fail or even be mediocre.

My counselor in high school called me down and offered me the opportunity to go to a fine college--Colby College--on a scholarship. She was an alumnus and she would lead me through the process. I didn't know any better. I shied away thinking I should go to a Christian college. So... I looked for one I could afford and settled on Lincoln Christian College in Lincoln, IL. It was still more than I could afford, but they had a Kroger store and I knew I could work there.

It was unacceptable in the culture we lived in--upper class church and upper class school [lower class neighborhood!] that I not go to college. My friends that mattered at the time were going to college.

There were no college visits. No parental support offered or expected. I just packed up on the appointed day and my boyfriend [future husband] drove the one-hour trip to drop me off. This was orientation week--lots of meetings and doctrinal brainwashing. It didn't take very many days for me to realize that my view and the college's on eternal security and God's grace were WAY different.

One morning the President of the college spoke to the incoming freshmen. He said that his door was open, and we were to come to him with any concerns or questions. So, I headed to his door that afternoon. It wasn't open. He didn't see me, but another executive did. I voiced my concerns and quickly surmised that I wouldn't change their stand on these or any other issues. This was the Church of Christ, after all. How could they be wrong? I was a Presbyterian and eternally secure in my knowledge of my Lord preparing a place for me in heaven where I would without a doubt go when I died. No matter how many sins I commit in this life--I am forgiven. I only need to confess my sins and I am forgiven. That is the way of the cross.

I called home and said come and get me. So, that weekend Dad and CA drove down to retrieve me. I was forlorn. I had failed. Would I have to go to the brand new junior college and be humiliated? I cried and I prayed. CA was gentle and kind. He took me to see The Sound of Music. Later that afternoon I heard him talking to NC and they both said that they wouldn't have given up; they would have stuck it out at least for a semester at that college. I was furious at CA and told him so. I would tolerate no disloyalty. We both learned something through that experience. I was learning to trust, but this was a bit of a set-back. In the 42 years of our relationship he has never betrayed my trust--maybe little things--but CA I trust with my whole heart.

Two days after arriving back from this misadventure, my Christian college of first choice called to say they had an opening and I was off to Bible college. I had a fun roommate and lots of friends. The classes were absolutely challenging and the competition unbelievably tough. These Christian kids were SMART. I was just an hour from CA's college and we liked that. But, ultimately I wasn't cut out for a Christian college. I wanted more academics and I had no money. I left at the semester, got a full-time job and went to the junior college part-time until getting married after CA's junior year in college. It was the Viet Nam era and CA faced either the Navy or the draft. We wanted to have one full year together before he entered the military for an uncertain future. He was 21 and I just barely 20 on the day we married.

For years I felt shame in running away from school #1 and not sticking it out at school #2. During counseling 27 years later I realized that I did the best I could. I was so busy getting my basic needs met... I was so very young and on my own with no financial resources... Where were my parents in all this? I remember mom wanting me to stay at the Bible College #2 and offering to get a job to support me. I didn't believe or trust her. She was incapable and I knew it.

CONTROL

[paraphrase from Healing the Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield]

Needing to be in control is the basis for suffering... relief of suffering is surrender... surrender=winning the struggle of trying to control... Live cannot be controlled... Life is far too rich, spontaneous, and rambunctious. LET IT GO, BABY!

This is an issue that I struggle with. I grew up overly responsible. Someone had to be. I remember JF telling me that with two irresponsible or otherwise occupied parents one of the children will always step up to the plate and take responsibility. Sometimes at a very young age.

Our marriage has been a true partnership. That has taken years of negotiation, but the results are so, so worth it. You never have to guess what I am thinking or what is bothering me. I will tell you. I tell my husband to not over-complicate it. I say what I want, need, mean, think... He has a quieter spirit. Sometimes people think he is a push-over and that I must control him. Oh, my, NO. He is quietly stubborn. It is amazing that we get along so well. 39 years of marriage and counting!

I always tell people that my husband has less emotional baggage than anyone I have ever met. And, I could add that the carry-on baggage that he does have he acquired with years of living with me. He loves me.

It's all about taking responsibility while letting go of the need to control.