WHEN BEST FRIENDS GO MISSING

I had the same best friend from my freshman year in high school until mid-2001. We knew almost everything about each other's life. We are very different people, but we found much to share. We cared about the gritty little details. No matter how many miles separated us, we stayed in touch. She was my conscious. She, unknowingly I think, set the bar many times for me. We were entwined; a continuous thread. I loved and valued her, and I know she loved and valued me.

I can't say when things began to change, I just know that they "began" to change. I became the pursuer. She clearly needed me less. I have theories--I lived her history, so the revisionist stuff didn't work on me. I chose family first and things second. Things were always the most important to her.

It's been over for several years now. We did touch base once since, but it didn't take. She said she never understood what happened. Why we separated. I tried to explain my experience, and she came back with another version.

I hung on to my best friend until May of 2001 when, in need of closure, I wrote her a note saying let's not be friends unless you are willing to start over and rebuild this lifelong friendship into what it was, could be, should be. I recently discovered a note I wrote but never sent in January 1997--

WHERE ARE YOU DW?

Sometimes I feel like I don't have another cheek to turn. Both of our lives are full and sometimes difficult, but what are friends for if not to share lives and struggles. I miss having you for my best friend.

I've almost decided a couple of times that I won't chase you down again. I've felt for a couple of years that if I didn't call you eventually, you might never get around to calling me. We've shared so much over the years. I know I've been a faithful friend. Why don't you explain to me why this relationship has become so difficult for you. It is true that the less time we spend talking and being together, the less we have in common. I could just let you make this choice for both of us, but...

One time, many years ago, I made you a promise that if it ever became necessary I would kick your butt down the street to remind you of what was reality. Consider this a butt kick. Do with it what you will, but don't lose sight of the fact that God made us friends and we share His love.

Friendships are fragile and take a long time to build. This one needs some reinforcing.

I didn't send the note. Would it have made a difference? I don't think so. I practice amateur psychology rampantly, so I am tempted to inject some theories on narcissism and personality disorder. But, I think a currently popular phrase says it most concisely--She's just not that into you.