I've had that creeping, nasty feeling surface this week--discontent. I hate it and I think I am ashamed of it. I examine my days and realize that I am blessed with a lovely home and good health. I have a loving husband and fully-fuctioning healthy children, and there are 4 beautiful grandchildren 8 hours away. Eight hours by plane or eight hours by car.
Still, there's that creeping discontent. I think the shame comes from the feeling that I should be doing more--of what I can't imagine. I have been a world-champion multi-tasker my entire life, but don't have the nerves/heart/will to live that crazy-making way any more.
Partly, its the heat and sun that I am avoiding--I stay inside much of the time. That is a reality for me these days as I am allergic to the sun and get the hives to prove it, and the heat bothers me more every summer.
This morning I was awake in bed and reflecting on all the wonderful experiences we've had as a couple and as a family, and that I've had as an individual. We've been places I never dreamed I would go. We built memories as a family in Door County in Wisconsin, Michigan, Maine, Florida, and the Carolinas. We've enjoyed trips together and with family members to Vienna, Bratislava, Paris, Budapest, Prague, London, Kaua'i, and Santa Fe. I love exploring the European cities and our trips to Kaua'i have included fantastic hikes and waterfalls. Santa Fe opened a world of cuisine, which is loved by our entire family.
Just in the past 12 months I've been twice to Bratislava and Vienna, and to London, the south of France, the coast of Spain, and Paris. We've visited grandchildren, and shared a family Christmas in Bratislava. We've explored with friends and together.
The truth is that I am not the world's best traveler--I come back each time exhausted and spent--yet after a while at home I am ready to go again.
I've known adrenaline junkies--they are exhausting and impossible to work for and tough to have as friends. I'm not close to being one of those, but I do believe that I somehow have internalized that exciting and interesting experiences are my true life, and these ordinary days of sameness and trivia are not.
I need to process this a bit more, but the truth is that my filter needs cleaning and my expectations need to adjust. There will be more trips and adventures and challenges, but for now I want to thank God for an ordinary day. One day, probably soon, I will look back fondly on these days of malaise and wish they were back. Such is human nature.