Tuesday, August 11, 2009


I have been avoiding writing about the primary thing on my mind these days--the future and how to get there. I am clueless as to what is next and freaking bored with the present. No work on the horizon and that is hell for a task-driven person.

Sure, there are always maintenance/organizational things to be done in the house but there's nothing too compelling. Nothing interesting. I'm used to organizing my life around work and without work I am clueless and frustrated.

I have been absolutely wasting time and vegging. My main goal of each day is to avoid depression. I read during the day and do the necessary de-cluttering and tidying. In the evenings I try, vainly, to find something worth watching on t.v. Once in awhile we put in a DVD, but the only thing I have seen lately that feels interesting is In Treatment. I am so, so sick of HGTV and the low-level reality shows that I can barely stomach--the Kardashians, Torri Spelling, Housewives. I watch these like one watches a train wreck--barely believing what I am seeing; wondering if it is all staged or if these people actually have these attitudes and life styles.

Then I wonder, what is it I should be doing? I am ready, willing, and able to work but no jobs have developed. My social energies are very low, and it seems I have to be the initiator to get anything going with friends. My closest friends are just as clueless as to what they should be/want to be doing. We are all relatively healthy and strong with a normal amount of energy.

The prevailing wisdom is get out and volunteer. Help someone else. And, I strongly believe in that, but if you have spent your career in a helping profession then it just seems like more of the same. And, didn't we retire because we were exhausted from all of that helping?

CA still loves what he is doing--a scaled down version of his real career. Sure he gets a bit bored in the summer, but it is a finite amount of time and tomorrow he is back to his comfortable routine.

We are not on the same page when it comes to huge lifestyle changes. I have agreed to two more years of the same, but what do I do in the meantime? And, I am stuck here with very few clues as to what I want the rest of my life to look like. I know that we live too far from our kids and grandkids.

We still want to travel, but this next 12 months is shaping up to be spent closer to home. Other than our long-planned trip to Kauai in October, we want to conserve and set aside what we can for future needs. The European part of our family will be stateside for four months soon, and the new baby will be born here in January.

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